When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
me 2 months after i graduated
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.