70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
The first matador
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me