I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from