Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
(Gaming support cat.)
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually