Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You Might Also Like
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Yet the one time I did, I got banned