“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…