I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.