My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You Might Also Like
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
DOOO EEEET
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.