[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I laughed at this way too hard.
selfie game
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.