Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know