GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Pat is about to own someone
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.