Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Love this guy
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”