Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
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