I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes