[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.