What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.