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I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
wish me luck lads
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!