I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?