I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’