9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.