So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
RT if you know someone like this!!!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.