I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
You Might Also Like
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
it’s the silliest best thing
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
being a writer on Twitter:
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Unimpressed
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My dating profile:
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie