In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?