STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman