“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*power walks to the refrigerator*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”