My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year