“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.