Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*