*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.