On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
so much to do
Have a lovely day 😊
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I see your IQ test came back negative
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]