Florida be like…
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
not to brag, but mine was free
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide