Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
When you kidnap a writer.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!