Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Body by Oreos
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.