Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
The game has officially changed 😎
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”