“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
smh
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.