My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food