What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.