not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
mathematically impossible
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.