cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Did…did a minotaur write this
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.