Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Why I divorced her.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.