THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.