Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.