Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.