the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Attacked by a mop.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap