My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!