Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
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I cannot stop laughing at this
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
True freaking story!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i was baptized in a car wash
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.