[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.