im 7 sauces long
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.