[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.