My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.